Pee in Heavenly Peace {A Christmas Toilet Tale}

It’s 6:15pm. I’ve been up since 5:45am. I finally sit down for the first time today. Not on the couch … on the throne (or at least that’s what the dad’s get to call it). A more sarcastically affectionate term I use is the “Porcelain Grenade.”

Because every mom out there knows what is about to happen next.

The pitter patter of little footsteps are coming from the living room … to the bedroom door … *slam!* … the pitter patter gets louder as it approaches the bathroom door … *slam!* … I can hear sets of small feet as they slap the cold bathroom tiles – exactly 8 steps to the “toilet room” door … Knock knock knock.

Mommmmmy?!

Yesssssssssss?!

“Read us a story?” they ask with their small fingers sticking through the crack at the bottom of the door.

So many questions run through my mind at that moment.

Right now? You can’t be serious? What is your father doing? …

I quickly finish my “business” and decide to tell this tale I now share with you.

 “Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house

Not a baby was stirring, nor was my spouse.

The keys were hung by the front door with care

In hopes that some relaxing soon would be there.

 

The children were nestled all snug, so he said

While visions of these girls danced around the bathroom instead.

 

And mama in her daily sit, yes phone in my lap

Had just settled in for a not-so-long crap.

 

When out from the living room there arose such a clatter

I sprang up from the toilet to see what was the matter.

Away from the bathroom I flew like a flash

Tore past the clutter and tried not to crash.

 

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature tot, and her big sister near

With a little ole crier, so lively and quick

I knew in a moment someone must be sick.

 

More rapid than fire my temper did flame

Because they whistled, and shouted, and called me by name.

 

“Now, daughters! Now, husband! Now, what in the dickens?!

What’s a mom gotta do to get a good sit in?!

I’m passing the torch! I need my own stall.

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

 

I sent them away, quick as a whistle

And away they all flew – a nighttime dismissal.

They heard me exclaim, as I turned out of sight,

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO Y’ALL, I WILL PEE TONIGHT!

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